Biker Reality TV

American Chopper Feb. 20 “The Apprentice Bike”

This week on American Chopper Paul Jr. builds a bike for OCC.  No, not Orange County Choppers. This bike was for a company called One Call Concepts. Oh, the irony.

What is One Call Concepts? They’re the call-before-you-dig people, and their slogan is “When safety is on the line.”  Who better to represent that brand message than the Tuetul family, who are known to hit each other in the head with shovels and other flying objects.

Jr.’s plan is to “integrate everything that has to do with digging” onto the bike.  Here’s where the cake decorator criticism comes into play.  Shovel heads and pickaxes are randomly placed throughout.  At least the shovel seat idea was abandoned as too uncomfortable, even though nobody will actually ride this bike.

Meanwhile, the real OCC is finishing up the Donald Trump bike while Sr. is away filming the Celebrity Apprentice.  Rick says it’s hard not having Paul around to yell at him and complain.  I know I hate it when my boss is out of the office too, Rick.  Then Sr. makes a call, and the OCC biker gang assembles.  They dust off charity bikes built for the New York Jets, Giants, Firefighters, POW/MIA. . .but I’ve got to ask myself, why are all those charity bikes still around?  Weren’t they supposed to give them to charity?

And of course there’s more family drama on the show this week. Sometimes I think there are more therapy sessions in the kitchen than scenes building motorcycles.  Mikey didn’t say “hi” to Sr. and the two sides “conveniently” missed each other at the wake, and I was like “oh no he didn’t, girlfriend!”  The guys on OCC are starting to remind me a lot of the spoiled teenagers on the OC only with more tattoos.

American Chopper Feb. 13, 2012 “Season 3 Premiere”

This week on American Chopper Donald Trump orders up a custom motorcycle. . . no, for real!

The next build is the Donald Trump Chopper.  Let construction of the 24 carat solid gold bike begin! Okay, to build a 700 pound motorcycle with gold trading at about $1,700 per ounce works out to a budget of around $19 million dollars. . .that will look great in his NYC penthouse apartment (Tower Heist anyone?).

I’m thinking the bike also needs a giant blonde mane flowing down the gas tank. So, the Donald likes length huh?  Imagine that. I suspect somebody’s compensating.  Donald also likes the concept of gold.  You don’t say.  Maybe parking that bike in the lobby of your Atlantic City Casino will bring in customers and can be used as collateral in your next bankruptcy filing.  Sorry, Donald, but as you say, it’s not personal it’s business.

But before all of that Senior takes a moment to think about some of the things he felt following the live unveil.  ”Paulie built a nice bike I thought.  Nice workmanship but the only thing I didn’t like is that it had no line to it.  If you take away all the workmanship I didn’t really like Paulie’s bike.  But I really liked Jessie’s bike because of the workmanship.”  Really, Senior?  It took you awhile to think of that?  I guess workmanship is an art except when it’s made by your own son.

Meanwhile Jr. celebrates in his shop (after much celebrating in Vegas) and then immediately starts building a bike for a client in Poland for Paul Jr.’s first international client.  In all seriousness for a minute. . . Yes, this is exactly what American manufacturing needs, MORE EXPORTS!!! America needs to be a nation that makes something again.  We need more of this.  I support buying American, and if you’re a patriotic American like me then you should too.

American Chopper “Biker Build-Off Part 2″ Aired Live Dec, 6 2011

On this special LIVE laser show episode in 3D featuring special musical guest Bush. . .Sr. shows off a post apocalyptic vision of the future, Jr. presents an airplane with no wings, and self-proclaimed outlaw with no confirmed ties to the infamous criminal of the same name displays an old school, polished stainless steel red rocket chopper.

Sr. enters with his Mad Max “machine”, and immediately I’m praying he doesn’t spin out and torch the crowd. The compliment of the night comes when Sr. is prodded into saying “Jr.’s bike is good too”. Jr. is the clear winner but still doesn’t get any respect from his father or Jesse for that matter.

Up next is Jesse “Trash Talk” James. What makes your bike special? You wouldn’t understand.

Then there is Jr.’s bike. Part airplane, part bike. The crowd should thank Jr. for not using the smoke during his entrance. Thirty inch wheels with wood inlays that look like propellers, 2000 rivets, aluminum sheet metal trimmed in copper, and a one gallon gas tank for a 20 mile range (more on that in a minute). My only critique is why is the seat not in the shape of his logo? It seems like a natural fit. Also shouldn’t the handlebars be wings?

Now everybody knows that theme bikes are probably the opposite of choppers, but they must be heavier than I thought to get only 20 mpg, especially riding on 30″ wheels. In this DESIGN competition, of course, the bikes are pieces of art that can be ridden but aren’t really meant to be. They are mostly for show, but I think Jesse wants a street race to determine the winner. Hey, Jesse, do a biker build off with Erik Buell and prove it on the track.

American Chopper Dec 5, 2012 “The Build Off”

On this episode of American Trash Talkers “The Build Off” Junior builds a plane, Senior builds an ATV for an Ice Road Trucker, and Jesse James builds a chopper from raw iron-ore, coal, and rubber all by himself with handlebars that he can’t see over.

Let’s start with some basics. Motorcycle (noun) is a two-wheeled vehicle that is powered by a motor and has no pedals. So to answer your question, Rick, “is that technically a motorcycle?”. No, no it is not. “Will the tracks deter too much from the bike?” Would bacon deter too much from a peanut butter sandwich? Skip to the end and notice how Senior doesn’t even call it a bike but instead it’s a “machine”. So within the first 5 minutes the competition is down to Jesse vs. Junior.

Brendan hits a chord with the group by saying, “It’ll be fun to go against Jesse. . .oh and the other side of OCC,” and scores big laughs all around. The establishment, OCC, is now a joke. How long before Junior takes over at OCC?

“Well, we have a short time frame as usual so we better get to work.”

So Jesse’s plan is to build everything himself. “I’m going to make the frame, the sheet metal, the front end, all the pieces and everything in between; I’m going to fabricate and machine myself.” Seems ambitious. What about the engine, transmission, fasteners. . .? Enter Dan who looks terrified. Jesse ends up spending all of his time on the frame and it pretty much looks like every other tube frame I’ve ever seen. So instead of buying that awesome forge, you could have bought a frame to start with and wouldn’t have wasted so much time building it yourself. Oh wait, I forgot, that’s not “cool”. “A hammer, heat, and an anvil, and that’s all you need. You don’t have the best metal guy in the business because that guy is me.” Ok, well put me in a forest with an ax, and I’ll build you a home. But why not use Home Depot and save some time?

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